day #32

Day #32

I still miss you like crazy, everything just doesn't seem to feel or want to be right...

You linger... 

I forgot how it all started Perhaps it all begin with a simple feeling But all of a sudden, I came to realise I had fallen for you Love is really just that simple Even if I fell into an abyss of darkness, it wont matter Cos I cant dictate between right and wrong Never have I regretted those days and nights I spent in this mad pursuit of love The obsessed one, yes thats me alright I love you I cant help myself Please say youll love me too

I love you I dont want to ever lose you I cant be any happier, as long as Im with you Ill do anything Although the world keeps changing Ill use my sincerity To keep this love simple as it is Even if I fell into an abyss of darkness, it wont matter Cos I cant dictate between right and wrong Never have I regretted those days and nights I spent in this mad pursuit of love The obsessed one, yes thats me alright

i wanna pour my heart out for you.
Is it really too late?
Are you reading this?

beautiful

learn to say this to your close one.
because the good you see in them is what matters and that's what you should feel in the first place.

the only regret is we cant grow together.

No amount of laughter and smiling can cover this. I can't hide this sadness at all... 我真的好想你

crash

Just bought this cute new pair of boxer trunks. And the first I thought of was you. I knew you would like it. Its such little things every day that reminds us of how much all these really mattered at the end of the day. How much little things can build up a relationship or tear it down. I miss seeing you in the PJs I got for you. I miss the intoxicating smell that lingers on them every night. My five senses are on a riot with me. Killing my every will.
 I think I'm doing okay. But my mind seems to be on repeat mode. Wake up with an image of you, of us. Think back of all the times we shared. Forming a crooked smile to myself. Then hit those thoughts away as soon as pain and strain settles in. Read a book and convince myself I don't deserve any thing else than what I am now and try to act like I'm okay. that's when the recording stops and everything repeats.
Why am I acting tough all the time? Acting like I don't give a fuck about anything. Acting like I don't care? Acting like I could handle pain. Acting like I can see you leave and not weep? Acting like a fucking player? Putting a tough front that broke us apart. But all that actually mattered was your presence with me. All that mattered was your love. Your poison that I gladly want running in me. That you actually mattered to me. The fact I was really serious about you.. Was so scary to admit and be responsible for. But now just a dreaded memory and rotting dream.
If its possible, please let me dream a last dream and take my life with it.

Do you still think of me when you have a nightmare? Do you still feel the pangs of fridays when we never fail to always get to meet on that day? Do you miss the days we wake up and both want some pizza? Do you remember people used to think we were cute together? Do you miss my embrace? Do you miss my warmth? My spoon? Do you miss the food I make? Do you miss the times we swapped our egg whites and egg yolks? Do you miss the simple times we had shao rou mian together and yet so happy. Times when we shared a bucket of ice cream and watch movies during your surgery? Times when you would read and fall asleep while I game? Times when we would fight for penguin? Do you miss the times I hug you so close to me and prop you off the escalator?  Do you miss the joy we had working together? Do you miss my lips on yours? Do you miss me biting you? Teasing you? Do you miss the times when we were deeply in love with each other?do you miss the times when we took photos at the photobooth just for the fun of it? Do you miss how we're so perfect in every sense to each other?

facade

How long can this facade last?
Just like a shellfish, hard on the surface, tender and weak or even rotting inside.
I wanna Show you my heart, plattered on my bleeding hands. That it is not black, but punctured with sorrow and pain. It is alive, with every throb echoing your name, the name once so sweet and soothing to my tender heart. Now but a loud echo that slaps me in every heart beat. This pain I should have expected the day I forsake you. This pain I no longer know how to deal with...
My heart's in your shadows. Waiting.. Dearly.. Your overwhelming presence I do not dare defy but observe and peep at from afar. To know you're surviving, to know that you're indeed happier without my embrace. Its bitter sweet symphony playing inside of me.
Bleeding love.

darkness

I hate the feeling of losing vision, part where my vision becomes blur, it brings  a sense of uncertainty. When im in that state, i feel afraid.
i hate when something ends, i hate when credits come up.

Every waking moment, every sleep. All i think about is you. how i have erred. how useless i am being able to do nothing but whip up series after series of emotions within myself.

are you thinking of me? do you think of the happy times we shared? the part we changed for each other? do you miss my smell? do you miss my face against yours? do you miss the love i shower you? do you miss how we can talk about anything and everything? do you remember we talked so much even on our first non club meeting at my coffeeshop? do you miss how simple things were and enjoyable? or do you just hate me for what i did to you...

because i hate myself.

mercy

A thousand, a million sorry that would never be enough to fill your pain nor cover this crater left in my heart, that would forever be a part of me to remind me of everything I deserve now.
We were everything and now we have nothing but pain to handle, undoubtedly, you're going through more than I am. The dilemma you're in, the aftermath of seperation, the physical ordeal, the mind pressing issues. How I wish I can provide for you, almost in every aspect. But I know the hatred you have for me is deeply etched into both heart and mind. This bastard that came and burn. You never should have gon through this. You deserve to be tenderly loved. The fact of this breaks me but also relieves me, because I know you'll be in a better care than being with me. You will be stronger one day. And happier. When the day comes, is the day I will pray and thank god for his kindness and mercy on your soul.
I did not want to post any thing anymore. But I have no where to vent, no one to guide me, no one to tell, no you. All I have now are regrets, guilt, lost love, a broken heart, mindlessness, half sainity..
All the ways to make things right, and I broke the golden rule of what make things wrong. Path of no return. A one way ticket to hell. brainwashed my most beloved and everyone to hate me. Crashed my own world. Blood in my hands. Destroyed the beautiful life you had. Burned our dream.

Please god, save her...
Cos I'm willing to exchange my all and whole of life for her happiness

monster

nothing else has to be said.
Patience really do come a long way.
And I've actually assumed the role of a monster. Haha.. Well, gold dwells deep, and the gold this time is a heavy lesson. One that will constantly remind me to be patient. And not all consequences have a chance of being rectified. Not all guilt can be resolved. Not every love was meant to be but how you make of it. Life goes on, and what would you want to bring with you in the wake of time? Definitely not pain, but the meaning you instill to it. Pain that directs you to change and happiness. That's the meaning of life.
Kill the monster when its still little.
Because I need to save myself.
God's delays are not god's denial.
Because I'm still learning.
I wish for your wellness. I wish for your happiness. I pray for your safety. I pray for your health.
I pray for your love.
Because I will not and don't deserve to be the one to give you all these.
Xoxo.

Take it as temporary a tattoo sticker gone wrong, tattoos that will fade away in time. Don't be ashamed don't be afraid of it, Because beauty is more than what the eyes can see and believe that you have many other attributes that you can be proud of that outshine it.

 everything's gon be fine
Some good to knows,
http://whfoods.org/genpage.php?tname=newtip&dbid=12

http://www.livestrong.com/article/32828-foods-eat-heal-cuts-scars/

http://www.surgerysupplements.com/surgery-scars-prevention-and-treatment/

http://www.soulsticewellness.com/clients/10-tips-of-post-operative-care/

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/scar-tissue-after-surgery.html

veiled

We google about so many things, from mundane stuff. Like how to spell a word to improving sex to the end world. But why have we not tried to google or seek help on how to resolve conflicts?
Just wondering...
We are both aggressive lovers, we get into heated arguments or rather in a better way of saying, spirited conversations. We place pride in our arguments, unwilling to accept the fact that even such close ones would not understand us. But ultimately what was the very meaning of conflicts in relationships? Selfish interests? No, its for the sake of us, to prolong the relationship, to solve our differences, to want affections, to know to realize that we both want so much for the opposite to be in our worlds. All we ever wanted was the very thing that brought us together in the first place, love.
All we had to do was go back to the roots, break the pattern of the emotional intensity, till it becomes a habit, and when you know there's that nothing can't be solved. We be unbreakable.

Because nobody remembers the guy who ae up.
Because we know we've both know we fell too deep.
Because we know there's unfinished business to settle.
The dream that we desired and yearn for.
Because everything happens for a reason
You either learn from it and make things better than before
Or learn to not give up.
Because when all else fails, love remains.

i cant say this enough, but it should just be kept deep within me.
as a promise, a reminder, a lesson, a part of me.

because i know i've been given a second chance and privilege already.
the more i tuck my head in, the more trouble caused.

the only way to solve the problem, is to get rid of the trouble.
And i am the root of everything.

eskimo

I fucking miss this.

Life

HI HI HI! Pardon me they're initials of this design school and corporation called Hyper Island. Just came back from that and honestly the accent of the spokesperson gave some difficulties to understand. On top of that, the content he was talking about was just pure geek programming language. But what he shared was really incredible(at least I was able to take home something haha), who would actually know there's an app like tweetpsych.com created to analyze and create a breakdown chart of all your tweets, like how how much you talk bout business, negative, positive, politics, sex and etc stuff.

The next one is even crazier, crazyegg.com it literally checks where are the hot spots of your web, basically means they show you a heat map of where your visitors click the most, that way we get total control of our web layout. How's that for interactive media!

Ok last one I'm gon share(can't share too many trade secrets). It's fucking sick, outwit.com. The slogan? Harvest the web! This badass, is a normal browser, equipped with crazy ass functions like filters to show you what you want exactly. Example, you wanna view all images on a particular site, one click and your layout changes to a list of all the images on that site, another click and you can choose to extract all of them in matter of seconds. I mean browsing is already so effortlessly easy, with this it's just creating more lazy people and setting a new level of competitiveness for designers like me. We're seriously moving into an everything digital life now. When everything is controlled with just your fingers to click to move the world.

All right enough of boring talks, luckily they had a free drink session, bring in the erdingers! Bumped in poly lecturers, had lotsa insights, made connections, inspired and kept me thinking. I'll definitely remain as a designer but probably keeping a well paid primary job. It seems to be a foolproof plan... Hearing lotsa people doing this. Having a sideline job that we love, that needs capital or whatsoever from the primary one. To me that probably sounds the most convincing and viable plan for me now. I guess? I mean like what my lecturer said I'm young, so wtf man lets get our hands dirty, plunge in and what do we have to lose right?

That's the sideline for today haha primary state activated when I'm home. And yea you guessed it. It's love hate. I want all these to keep flowing in, sometimes even smiling to myself with images of you but the fact that hits me after is that I've lost you...

I miss you I love you and I still will

Remedy

They say, the questions are the answer. But why are my questions looping? They say the greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel pain. But why does the pain get worse every single day? If our love was tragedy, why are you my remedy? Theres an experiment going on in my head, and you're the subject. Running through my mind in the day, at night, in sleep. I miss you. I fight this, for the selfish pain.