crash

Just bought this cute new pair of boxer trunks. And the first I thought of was you. I knew you would like it. Its such little things every day that reminds us of how much all these really mattered at the end of the day. How much little things can build up a relationship or tear it down. I miss seeing you in the PJs I got for you. I miss the intoxicating smell that lingers on them every night. My five senses are on a riot with me. Killing my every will.
 I think I'm doing okay. But my mind seems to be on repeat mode. Wake up with an image of you, of us. Think back of all the times we shared. Forming a crooked smile to myself. Then hit those thoughts away as soon as pain and strain settles in. Read a book and convince myself I don't deserve any thing else than what I am now and try to act like I'm okay. that's when the recording stops and everything repeats.
Why am I acting tough all the time? Acting like I don't give a fuck about anything. Acting like I don't care? Acting like I could handle pain. Acting like I can see you leave and not weep? Acting like a fucking player? Putting a tough front that broke us apart. But all that actually mattered was your presence with me. All that mattered was your love. Your poison that I gladly want running in me. That you actually mattered to me. The fact I was really serious about you.. Was so scary to admit and be responsible for. But now just a dreaded memory and rotting dream.
If its possible, please let me dream a last dream and take my life with it.

Do you still think of me when you have a nightmare? Do you still feel the pangs of fridays when we never fail to always get to meet on that day? Do you miss the days we wake up and both want some pizza? Do you remember people used to think we were cute together? Do you miss my embrace? Do you miss my warmth? My spoon? Do you miss the food I make? Do you miss the times we swapped our egg whites and egg yolks? Do you miss the simple times we had shao rou mian together and yet so happy. Times when we shared a bucket of ice cream and watch movies during your surgery? Times when you would read and fall asleep while I game? Times when we would fight for penguin? Do you miss the times I hug you so close to me and prop you off the escalator?  Do you miss the joy we had working together? Do you miss my lips on yours? Do you miss me biting you? Teasing you? Do you miss the times when we were deeply in love with each other?do you miss the times when we took photos at the photobooth just for the fun of it? Do you miss how we're so perfect in every sense to each other?